Goal: shalom bayis + halachic integrity + smooth logistics.
This guide is tiered so nobody gets scared off and everyone can act today.
⚠️ I’m not your lawyer or posek; use this to get organized, then review with a qualified estate-planning attorney in your state and your rav.
If you don’t choose guardians and set your beneficiary forms correctly, the government will. Most problems in this guide come from people waiting until ‘later.’
If you are 18, you need a plan. Don’t let the decision-making power fall to the government.
Am I missing a scenario or a way you created protections that I didn’t think about? Reach out so I can add it!
Pick your lane
- Starter Lane – You’re renting or recently bought a home, have basic savings, life insurance, and kids (or plan to).
- Builder Lane – You’ve built equity/savings ($100k–$1M±), own a home, have kids and life insurance/retirement accounts.
- Complex Lane – $1M+ or special factors (multiple properties, business interests, special needs, Israel assets, large insurance, charitable goals).
If you’re torn, start in the lower lane and borrow ideas upward.
1) No Will, No Guardians → A Judge Decides Your Kids’ Future
Problem (what can go wrong):
If both parents C”V die or are incapacitated, the court will be in charge of choosing guardians. If there are grandparents, the court will determine if they are fit and likely choose them, but they might not.
- If the grandparents aren’t frum, you might want to appoint a friend to take custody instead.
- If you don’t have any family that are suitable, find a family that is and discuss with them.
- Without your guidance, the family may fight. Your child’s schooling, community, and frum environment can change overnight.
What to put in place
- Starter: Simple will naming 1st/2nd guardians + short letter to guardians.
- Are the guardians allligned with you on Shabbos, schools, and kashrus standards?
- Can the guardians move communities?
- The guardians might be great with the kids, but are they good with money? Switch to the builder step below
- Who is getting the life insurance money? If it’s a lot of money, you’ll want to switch to the builder step below
- Builder: Different people for guardian vs. trustee (checks & balances); add Children’s Trust to pay for living costs.
- How do you want the guardians to take out of the trust? (trustee)
- Can they take out money for their own children? Can they only take out money to ensure that your children are kept to the same lifestyle as their children? For example, if everyone is going on vacation and it costs 3k per kid, should they only be allowed to take out 3k for your kids, and they must pay for their own kids from their own money?
- Do you want to have conditions about how old the children are before they get full access to the money?
- Do you want to have conditions about what the child can spend the trust money on? Maybe yes to education or a house, but no to a car or a vacation.
- Can the guardian’s house fit all the kids?
- How do you want the guardians to take out of the trust? (trustee)
- Complex: Detailed caregiver compensation policy; separate subtrusts per child; explicit community/schooling preferences.
- Do you want to have some compensation given to the guardians as a thank you?
- Should paying for kids expenses come from one pot of money or should you devide the inheritence and pay for expenses out of the corresponding child’s bucket so one kid doesn’t eat away at anothers yerusha?
Halachic points: You need your halachic tzava’ah, including beis din/arbitration for disputes and the details for not giving the first born son a double portion should your will not reflect that halachah.
2) Incapacity → Bills, Tuition, and Care Grind to a Halt
Problem: A car accident or illness C”V leaves you unable to act. Mortgages go unpaid; schools won’t discuss your kids; no one can access accounts.
What to put in place
- Starter: Durable financial POA (Power of Attorney), health-care proxy (name backups), and a halachic medical directive that names your rav.
- Builder/Complex: Consider a revocable living trust so a successor trustee can pay expenses immediately if you’re incapacitated.
Halachic fit: Medical directive aligned with your state’s forms (no conflicts), names your rav for psak
3) Beneficiary Forms Undo Your Plan
Problem: Your will says “to the kids’ trust,” but your life insurance names your sister. The check bypasses your plan entirely.
What to put in place
- Starter: Make beneficiary designations match your will (e.g., “to the trustee under my will for Child A/B”).
- Builder: Point life insurance to the Children’s Trust; coordinate 401(k)/IRA beneficiaries with spousal/halachic goals.
- Complex: Use trusts (and sometimes an ILIT for large policies) to control timing, taxes, and protections.
Halachic fit: Your secular documents should implement the halachic distribution structure, not compete with it.
4) If Your Spouse Isn’t the “Money Person”: A Monthly-for-Life Spouse Trust
Problem: Handing the surviving spouse a check for 3 million dollars might not end well. If they don’t have proper best practices around structuring such an amount of money with a proper investment plan, budget, and withdrawal strategy, it will not last as long as they will need it. Autopays lapse, markets scare decisions, and family dynamics get messy.
What to put in place
- Starter: Simple Spouse Support Trust (stipend + basics)
- Monthly deposit into spouse’s checking account (pick a floor, e.g., $X/month).
- Auto-increase annually (CPI) so purchasing power stays level.
- Trustee turns on automatic bill-pay for essentials (mortgage/rent, utilities, insurance, property tax).
- “No accounting burden” clause—spouse receives a 1-page quarterly summary.
- Name a calm family trustee plus a backup.
- Builder: Clearer guardrails
- Pre-approved extras: health care (incl. long-term care), taxes/insurance, necessary home repairs/relocation, simchos, and visits to children/grandchildren—no “permission” for basics.
- Investment policy (boring & durable): e.g., balanced index mix; annual rebalance.
- Withdrawal guidance: e.g. 4%
- Coordinate beneficiaries so life insurance/retirement actually fund this trust.
- Complex: Lifetime security + tax/halachic structure
- Use a marital/QTIP or survivor’s trust so spouse has lifetime support, with principal preserved for children at second death.
- Set a cap (e.g., 2× the floor) to avoid lifestyle drift; keep the CPI raise.
- Define remarriage rule (continue unchanged or reduce by 25%—your call), see “New Family” section.
- Integrate with credit-shelter/charitable goals; align retirement-account strategy with your CPA/attorney.
Halachic fit: Your civil documents should implement your halachic tzava’ah; include a beis din/arbitration clause for trust interpretation and distributions.
5) New Family → Your Children’s Funds Support Someone Else’s Kids
Problem: If one parent dies and the survivor remarries—or if both die and a guardian later marries—your money may subsidize other children. This may or may not be a problem for you, but you should think through how you feel about it. If this doesn’t bother either spouse, skip this section.
What to put in place
- Starter: One simple trust with no complex rules.
- Builder: Children’s Trust with “parity” language (your kids get similar trips/camps as the guardian’s kids). A trust for the surviving spouse providing a monthly distribution of income to create ongoing protection without the ability to drain the account dry.
- Complex: Survivor’s assets held in a marital/QTIP or survivor’s trust (not outright); clear caps and definitions for shared expenses.
Halachic fit: Keep distributions consistent with halachic priorities; use beis din if interpretation is disputed.
6) Guardians Can’t Afford Your Standards
Problem: Guardians love your kids but can’t afford your level of school, therapy, or camps. Resentment builds; kids feel “less than.”
What to put in place
- Starter: Will says trust may reimburse guardians for reasonable costs.
- Builder: Spell out HEMS (Health, Education, Maintenance, Support) plus specifics: yeshiva tuition, tutors, therapy, simchos, camp, and parity on vacations.
- Complex: Annual stipend, COLA adjustments, and rules for housing upgrades if needed.
7) Special Needs → Benefits Lost by Accident
Problem: Leaving money directly to a disabled child may disqualify them from government benefits.
What to put in place
- All lanes (when applicable): A Supplemental Needs Trust (a/k/a Special Needs Trust); do not name the child directly on beneficiary forms.
- Complex: Professional co-trustee; letter of intent for lifelong care routines.
Halachic fit: Ensure the SNT structure aligns with your halachic goals; reference tzava’ah/beis din as needed.
Right-Sized Roadmaps
Starter (simple, affordable)
- Will (guardians + simple executor).
- Health-care proxy/HIPAA + halachic medical directive (name your rav).
- Durable POA (Power of Attorney).
- Beneficiary check-up (align with plan; avoid minors directly).
Builder (kids, house, real savings)
- Everything in Starter, plus a Children’s Trust (HEMS + parity and guardian reimbursement).
- Consider a revocable trust to avoid probate; fund it (retitle house/accounts).
- Align life insurance/retirement beneficiaries to the trust.
Time/Cost: Half-day with a specialist; typical packages ~$1k–$6k depending on trust and state.
Complex (higher net worth/special factors)
- Revocable trust with subtrusts at first death; possible QTIP/credit-shelter, SNT, or ILIT.
- Business succession, cross-border documents, charitable plan.
- Professional/co-trustees; detailed caregiver/expense policy.
Time/Cost: More design work; often $5k–$15k+ depending on complexity.
Halachic Integration (for everyone)
- A halachic tzava’ah that your civil will/trust incorporates; beis din/arbitration clause; optional bekhor handled via enforceable mechanisms.
- Your medical directive aligns with state forms and names your rav for psak.
10-Minute “Do It Now” List
- Pick guardians (1st/backup) and tell them.
- Sign health-care proxy/HIPAA and your halachic medical directive.
- Open your life insurance/401(k) portals and fix beneficiary forms to match your plan.
- Create a one-page “Where Things Are” sheet (originals, contacts, passwords/keys, rav).
- Calendar a 90-day follow-up to complete trusts/funding.
